According to the medical dictionary, Infertility is defined as "incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year)." That doesn't cover the emotions that infertility brings, at least for me. The feelings of not being a "whole" woman, or having done something wrong, or simply being a failure. I know logically that that isn't the case, but emotions are rarely, if ever, logical.
My infertility journey had many ups & downs. One of the biggest (but NOT the biggest) up was on Mother's Day, 2002. I woke up sick and feeling horrible that day. Finally, around 11:00, I looked at Dan and said that I thought I needed to go to the ER. I wasn't even able to keep water down. I was shaky and dizzy. So, off we went. The dr. ran the usual tests and then, he walked in and told me I was pregnant. I come flying up off the bed and I demanded to see the paperwork. I also asked if he was was sure it was me, did he have the right patient. I'm not kidding when I tell you I questioned that poor guy for 10 minutes. Finally, Dan just looked at me and said, "It's you!" I thought I was dreaming. (I even asked Dan if I was dreaming...haha) Nope, it was true, I was pregnant. Finding that out on Mother's Day was pretty cool.
Flash forward a week...I started spotting. I was terrified. I wanted this SO bad! I went for the usual blood test on the next Monday and the HCG levels were not rising like they should be. At that point, we new something was probably wrong. Tuesday night, I started hurting! I had another appt. Wednesday morning, so I thought I would just wait it out and if it got worse, we would go ahead and go to the ER. Well, just about the time I was about to break down, it was time to go to the appt. The Dr. did the sonogram and we saw the pregnancy, in the fallopian tube. I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I went from his office upstairs, to the Day Surgery clinic downstairs.
I was lucky. The Dr. caught it early and he was able to save the tube. However, I never again was able to get pregnant, even when things looked really good.
Then, the biggest "up" happened, my miracle...my little Drew! Drew and his birth parents came into our lives so fast and with the circumstances surrounding their introduction into our lives, you not only knew God had a plan, you could see Him working on that plan.
Do I still grieve for that pregnancy...at times. Do I still grieve for not being able to experience pregnancy...at times. But, there are things I've been blessed to experience that other people don't. I've not only adopted a child, I've also adopted an entire family. My "pregnancy experience" aka...the waiting period was 7 WEEKS!!! I know why God made the usual pregnancy 9 months...you need that time to prepare! (But like so many of my friends tell me, I don't do anything normal!) I have experienced being amazing at how a child who is genetically not related to me, is me all over! It's amazing!
Hugs!
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