Friday, June 24, 2011
According to the medical dictionary, Infertility is defined as "incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy over a considerable period of time (as a year)." That doesn't cover the emotions that infertility brings, at least for me. The feelings of not being a "whole" woman, or having done something wrong, or simply being a failure. I know logically that that isn't the case, but emotions are rarely, if ever, logical.
My infertility journey had many ups & downs. One of the biggest (but NOT the biggest) up was on Mother's Day, 2002. I woke up sick and feeling horrible that day. Finally, around 11:00, I looked at Dan and said that I thought I needed to go to the ER. I wasn't even able to keep water down. I was shaky and dizzy. So, off we went. The dr. ran the usual tests and then, he walked in and told me I was pregnant. I come flying up off the bed and I demanded to see the paperwork. I also asked if he was was sure it was me, did he have the right patient. I'm not kidding when I tell you I questioned that poor guy for 10 minutes. Finally, Dan just looked at me and said, "It's you!" I thought I was dreaming. (I even asked Dan if I was dreaming...haha) Nope, it was true, I was pregnant. Finding that out on Mother's Day was pretty cool.
Flash forward a week...I started spotting. I was terrified. I wanted this SO bad! I went for the usual blood test on the next Monday and the HCG levels were not rising like they should be. At that point, we new something was probably wrong. Tuesday night, I started hurting! I had another appt. Wednesday morning, so I thought I would just wait it out and if it got worse, we would go ahead and go to the ER. Well, just about the time I was about to break down, it was time to go to the appt. The Dr. did the sonogram and we saw the pregnancy, in the fallopian tube. I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I went from his office upstairs, to the Day Surgery clinic downstairs.
I was lucky. The Dr. caught it early and he was able to save the tube. However, I never again was able to get pregnant, even when things looked really good.
Then, the biggest "up" happened, my miracle...my little Drew! Drew and his birth parents came into our lives so fast and with the circumstances surrounding their introduction into our lives, you not only knew God had a plan, you could see Him working on that plan.
Do I still grieve for that pregnancy...at times. Do I still grieve for not being able to experience pregnancy...at times. But, there are things I've been blessed to experience that other people don't. I've not only adopted a child, I've also adopted an entire family. My "pregnancy experience" aka...the waiting period was 7 WEEKS!!! I know why God made the usual pregnancy 9 months...you need that time to prepare! (But like so many of my friends tell me, I don't do anything normal!) I have experienced being amazing at how a child who is genetically not related to me, is me all over! It's amazing!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
It's been a while since I've entertained you with Drewisms, so here you go....
Drew: Momma, can I go play with Dillon
Me: No Drew, we're getting home too late to play tonight
Drew: But Momma, I haven't played with ANYONE today
Me: Drew, you spent 6 hours at camp playing with kids
Drew: That doesn't count, Momma
Me: Oh, why is that
Drew: At camp, I'm supposed to play with others, now I want to play with Dillion. See. it's different
(I've said it before and I'll say it again, oh boy!)
Drew: Momma, can I drive a Monster Truck
Me: Not for a long time
Me: For one thing, you're not even going to be able to drive for another 10 years and for another, those things are big and dangerous
Drew: Uh, dangerous is nothing! I can drive anything!
Me: Have you ever driven anything in your life?
Drew: No, but I KNOW I can do it! I can do ANYTHING!!
(Yep, I'm in SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!)
Drew: Momma, what makes a car run?
Me: The engine
Drew: Momma, what makes the engine run?
Me: There are several parts that have to work together to make the engine run.
Drew: What are those parts?
Me: I'm not sure of all the names, but we can look it up.
Drew: Nahh...I was just testing you
Me: You were testing me? Why?
Drew: I wanted to see if I was smarter than you and I am!
Me: Oh really, how are you smarter than me?
Drew: Duhh....Silly momma, everyone knows that gas is what makes a car run
(That sound you heard was me banging my head against the door!)
That's it for this installment! I'll be back with more later! Trust me, with Drew, I have TONS of material!
Friday, June 10, 2011
After Drew had his little graduation from kindergarten in May, we had a party at one of the other parent's house. During the party, a few of the moms came up to me and asked why Drew was telling his friends that he was going to be a big brother. Obviously, I'm not pregnant, nor am I probably ever going to be. I told them that it is because his birth parents are expecting a baby and he is super excited about it.
Once you tell someone that, they usually have a ton of questions and I'm always more than happy to share our story. Sharing the story got me to thinking about adoption (once again!) and what it means to me. I am so incredibly blessed to be a mom and I thank God every day for Drew and his birth family. They have allowed me the opportunity to live my greatest dream, to be a mom. It is something that you can't "pay back" or ever earn. It is a gift, a priceless gift.
Adopt comes from the Latin word, adoptare, meaning to choose for oneself, from operate to chose. I think that says everything right there. Motherhood didn't come to me the way it does for most women. I used to think (and to be honest, a small part of me still does) that I was a failure for not being able to get pregnant and carry a child to term. Why? What did I do? Why couldn't I do this...so many other women do? I went through a lot of emotions...anger, sadness, I even tried to bribe God, but it didn't work.
I know why, Drew was meant to be in my life. Not only Drew, but the extended family that I adopted when I adopted Drew!
On the way to tennis camp this morning, Drew was in the back seat and he started making up songs and singing them. At one point, he started singing about having two mommies and two daddies. He has his mommy mommy and his mommy Shassidy. He has his daddy daddy and his daddy Robby. I wanted to cry. I thought that was so sweet and it brings me so much peace.
I have an amazing little kid and family!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Drew "graduated" from kindergarten last week. I can't believe that he will be in the first grade next year. I can't believe he's going to be 7 in one month! Where has the time gone?
Going to his little graduation has made me think about life and the changes that we all go through in life. Nothing stays the same. Life is change and for someone like me who isn't the biggest fan of change, it can be very frightening. I'm learning to try to look forward to change and all the positive things that can come with it.
I've recently discovered The Single Woman blogger and I really enjoy her posts! She has such an amazing outlook on life and she is so positive. I'm loving following her blogs and her tweets. I think so much of what she has to say not only applies to a single woman, put to people in general. She talks about how people come into and out of your life, but that everyone that does enter your life, has a purpose. Even if they leave, you are strengthened from the time you spent with them. It is even possible to take hurtful and negative experiences and use those to strengthen you. I love that positve attitude and perspective.
I want everything in my life to stay the same...the same friendships, the same job, the same routine. In other words, I want things to stay safe. However, that isn't how life works. People come into and out of your life, friendships change, children grow and relationships end. That doesn't mean something is over. It just means that something different is around the corner. Embrace the excitment and the new chapter. You never know what is going to happen.